T-Party, Dawg

The Tea Party is definitely not racist.

Clearly, we are just whites no longer afraid of being white in America. For too long, blacks have held the white person down. Tying our hands with reparations from ancient history. Playing with white guilt over something we ourselves never did, but our ancestors did.

Clearly, whites today need to stand up for their own race. This is not racist. It is protecting our culture. The blacks, who only get admitted to colleges because of affirmative action, have already stolen our education. Now the illegals are taking our jobs. Gays are destroying the holy institution of marriage. And we? We are just fighting back.

But none of this is the heart of the party. The party has nothing to do with race. It just so happens that many of our party are also sensitive to the protection of their endangered culture.

We are about, first of all, fiscal responsibility. By which, of course, we mean the need for government to stop wasteful and extravagant spending. The only way to ensure this is to cut all socialist government programs, like unemployment, health care, food stamps. You know who these programs are helping, right? The lazy and criminal. They are stealing money from our pockets. We work hard for our six figure salaries, and those lazy un-American bastards are taking it right out of our pockets. And those posh prisons! Those animals don’t need all those luxuries.

Second, we believe in constitutionally limited government. The constitution is the supreme law of the land. To understand it, we have to look at the true intentions of our Christ-loving, white founding fathers. They envisioned a land where the individual (land- and slave-owning citizen) is free to pursue his own happiness through his hard work and good living. If the constitution does not address an issue, we believe that states are empowered to make laws they see fit.

Finally, we support free markets. Businesses should be given the freedom to strengthen the economy and create jobs without government restrictions. Corporate freedom IS personal freedom, and the two are inseparable. So long as businesses are given room to prosper, workers will prosper, too. In the words of one of our shining lights, Rand Paul, “What I don’t like from the president’s administration is this sort of, ‘I’ll put my boot heel on the throat of BP.’ I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business.” Let businesses thrive! America never would have gone through either this recession or the Great Depression had the old plantations been allowed to proceed with business without government interference.

The Real Racist

So why, with these beliefs, do people keep on thinking the Tea Party is racist? We just want to take back this country that the blacks, hispanics, gays, socialists, rapists, murderers, satan worshippers, and Barack Hussein Obama have stolen from us. We just love our country!

It’s not like any of us go around calling people niggers and faggots. Or like we advocate violence against hispanics. (No, not hispanics. Illegals. They have no right to be here, they have no right to be.) Or routinely show up at rallies depicting Obama as a monkey, witch doctor, or other offensive image.

OK, maybe a few individuals have expressed themselves poorly. But not our most popular spokespeople. Like Mark Williams, who really had a profound but subtle point when he called Obama an “Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug.” And Glenn Beck was just trying to defend his own culture from Obama when he pointed out that “Barack Obama is setting up universal healthcare, universal college, green jobs as stealth reparations. That way the victim status is maintained. And he also brings back back‑door reparations.” Yes, it is blacks who continue to play the victim card. That is why we are so victimized by them.

It isn’t like any of our officials have said these things. Rand Paul was only talking about the importance of the free market when he expressed dislike for the Civil Rights Act of 1964. After all, businesses should be allowed to discriminate: that’s free speech! On an unrelated note, but fitting for the style of this article if not the theme: Sarah Palin is brilliant and not at all a shallow opportunist willing to enable the hate of her followers if it continues to pay her six figures per speech.

The NAACP is clearly misguided to suggest that an increasingly mainstream political party explicitly reject racism. It is obviously hinting that our entire party supports racism. We won’t stand for that horrible insult! We stand behind the Tea Party Express’s response to the NAACP:

You’re dealing with people who are professional race-baiters, who make a very good living off this kind of thing. They make more money off of race than any slave trader ever. It’s time groups like the NAACP went to the trash heap of history where they belong with all the other vile racist groups that emerged in our history.

Here’s the real truth: the NAACP is really the racist organization! And they are victimizing us. So let’s take back America from the NAACP! I suppose now you’ll suggest that’s racist, too?